Sarah Silverman

Sarah Silverman is currently promoting her new movie, I Smile Back, which appears to be a critical hit on the festival circuit. Silverman has been praised for her portrayal of a depressed wife in a “tough role,” and this doesn’t surprise me. So many comics have hidden dramatic talents, perhaps because they feel so deeply, and that includes depressive tendencies. Robin Williams, Dana Carvey, and Dave Chappelle are only a few comedians who have felt this dastardly demon pull them into downward spirals.

Silverman spoke with Glamour about her history with both depression and anxiety. She felt her first dark cloud at age 13, and she has struggled ever since. Silverman maintains with Zoloft — a lose dose because she wants to continue to feel some highs and lows. Here she talks about her experiences with panic attacks and sadness, including the times when she’s issued some very scary tweets that led her friends to worry. Sarah also worries about passing the illnesses onto her (possible future) children:

Her depression and anxiety: “It happened as fast as the sun going behind a cloud. You know how you can be fine one moment, and the next it’s, ‘Oh my God, I ***ing have the flu!’? It was like that. Only this flu lasted for three years. My whole perspective changed. I went from being the class clown to not being able to see life in that casual way anymore. I couldn’t deal with being with my friends, I didn’t go to school for months, and I started having panic attacks. People use ‘panic attack’ very casually out here in Los Angeles, but I don’t think most of them really know what it is. Every breath is labored. You are dying. You are going to die. It’s terrifying. And then when the attack is over, the depression is still there. Once, my stepdad asked me, ‘What does it feel like?’ And I said, ‘It feels like I’m desperately homesick, but I’m home.’”

On having kids: “A few years ago, I casually said something in an interview about being afraid to have kids because I might pass depression on to them, but I don’t know if I feel that way anymore. I like to think I would therapy through it (instead of helicoptering around my kids in horror that something is wrong with them, like my character Laney). A part of me is baby crazy. A part of me goes, Why not? And every day I add ‘Freeze eggs?’ to the end of my to-do list. Then it keeps getting passed on to the next day’s list. Maybe I’ll adopt. I do have sorrow about the possibility that I may never have my own children.”

Her ongoing journey: “And I still have downward spirals, days when I have to drag myself onstage to do stand-up or I’m just tweeting Morrissey lyrics from my bed. But there’s one thing I know that I used to not know: It will pass. And it does. Usually after 24 hours or so of wallowing in depressing music and being the Sylvia Plath of social media, a friend will reach out: ‘Are you OK? I saw that tweet.’ And I’ll sort of snap to it, brush myself off, and get back to life. I’ve learned that keeping busy is a good thing for me. Like my mom always said, you just have to be brave enough to exist through it.”

[From Glamour]

I agree with Sarah about how the term “panic attack” is often misunderstood, much like other ailments like OCD. People use the terms for hyperbole, like, ohmygodimsofreakedout over a date or a job interview. But when you’ve actually had a panic attack, you literally feel like you may be dying. You can’t move because of the pressure on your chest, you can’t see because of tunnel vision, and you can’t feel anything but waves of heat. So sure, some of the more shallow people in LA probably drive Sarah nuts by saying they’ve had ohmygod panic attacks too.

As for Sarah’s thoughts on freezing her eggs, she’s already 44, so she’s probably joking. It makes sense that she’d worry about passing her depression and anxiety onto children, but there is always adoption if she wants to go that way.

Sarah Silverman

Photos courtesy of WENN

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