Kaiser included Heidi Montag’s new single yesterday in the links but judging by the lack of howling in the comments, my guess is not many of you listened to it. Ah-ah-ah, my lovelies – if I have to listen to this then Imma need all the emotional support I can get, so you need to listen too. Much like Katie/CB taking one for the team on the Pumpkin Spice Kit Kat, I’m doing the same with this. Okay, here we go…

But first, it occurs to me that maybe some of you didn’t know Heidi was releasing a new single. I wrote about her threatening this career move a while back and she made good on it. And here it is…

Before we get started, you should know that Heidi actually had a music career seven years ago. Not so much as had a career but released a couple of unfortunate songs. This time it’s different, though. This is her foray into Christian Pop Music, with an emphasis on “positive message(s)”. *Deep breath* Okay, let’s do this for real…:

How long did you make it? Anyone who stuck around for longer than 23 seconds, take a lollipop from the bowl. Good lord, that was actually worse than I thought it was going to be. How does a song simultaneously annoy and bore you? The music sounds like a pre-packaged background score for film-making software. And the lyrics are – whew. Is half of Make Speidi Famous Again really trying to impress upon us that beauty and fortunes aren’t worth selling your soul? I can’t be convinced she actually means this as she’s still actively pursuing both. And sorry, but I hardly think these folks should be giving any thoughts on money. I mean, we know this song didn’t result from a lucrative record contract so if this is how they’re still wasting their cash, they’re getting it wrong. I know Heidi was hoping for the Christian market, but I think she’s going to need to inject a little more church in her lyrics if she wants them to bite. I know churches adopt secular songs into their services all the time, but those songs are, well – good.

I have good and bad news about Speidi: they are scheduling a second baby for 2020. I’m not being funny in my wording, that’s what Spencer told Kit Hoover at Access Live, “2020, I hear on our schedule that there is another baby planned. It’s been put in the calendar.” Their son Gunner is adorable and another baby is a wonderful thing so that’s the good news. The fact that Speidi keeps a calendar on which they chart out all their career moves is the bad news. Unless we could just get to that calendar…

I think I might try being an astronaut next. But, like, a Christian one – with a positive message

Photo credit: WENN Photos and YouTube