We’re probably going to have to wait for Taylor Swift’s much-anticipated album to find out what really went down with Calvin Harris and Tom Hiddleston. Was there an overlap between those two relationships? Did Hiddles pursue Tay while she was with Calvin? Did the scorching heat of their torrid Tiddlebanging destroy the heart of a decent Scotsman? We won’t know until we hear the blind-item songs, and even then we’ll have to decode everything and say “allegedly, this is about Calvin.” But In Touch Weekly has a funny/ridiculous/likely-untrue explanation for the seeming overlap between the two relationships, and that explanation is absolutely something that would have gone down in middle school.

The real reason Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris broke up is now coming out: a source tells In Touch that her rebound guy, Tom Hiddleston, had a hand in splitting them up in the first place!

“Tom told her that Calvin hit on one of his friends,” says the source. “She and Calvin were already having problems, so this weighed on her.”

The pair called it quits in June and she began seeing Tom – bot “Taylor started to feel like he was using her,” adds the source. Then came the clincher: Taylor met with the girl Tom said Calvin was hitting on, and she denied it ever happened. Now she and Calvin are talking again.”

[From In Touch Weekly]

So a 35 year old man allegedly told a 26 year old woman that her 32 year old boyfriend may have hit on another woman, according to In Touch. To be completely fair, this sounds too juvenile even for the three people allegedly involved. But in this dream scenario, how did the whole thing happen? OMG, Tom totally told Taylor that Calvin hit on one his friends and Taylor was like OMG I am never ever getting back with him OMG would you like to Tiddlebang on some Rhode Island Rocks and Tom was like OMG okay that sounds amazing because your last boyfriend had a wandering eye and like can you make this bitch famous and Taylor was like OMG yes let’s Tiddlebang and then strut around Europe and Nashville and Australia and make it the Glorious Worldwide Tiddlebanging Tour and Tom was like that’s so cool and then a month later Tay met that girl and she was like oh I never even met Calvin and Taylor was like OOOOoooooOOO and then Tay dumped Tom and now Tay is like OMG Calvin I’m sort of sorry even though I wrote like a million blind item songs about how you’re a douche and Calvin was like that’s cool bruh but I don’t really want to get back together and Tay was like OMG I HATE YOU. I would love it if that’s what happened (but that’s probably not what happened).

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet and WENN.