As we discussed yesterday, the latest Tatler cover story is amazingly stupid and hilariously out-of-touch. The cover story is about the Duchess of Cambridge and how she is all things to all people – a top-notch CEO being wheeled out constantly, even without loads of holidays; a normal mother who cannot possibly make the school run now that her brother-in-law has scampered away; a pitiful, angry creature who is furious about her exhausting work load; and finally, a stoic Queen-in-training who even speaks in a strangled fake posh accent now. And Tatler even proudly says that Carole Middleton is the brains behind this entire operation. Tatler released their full cover story, so here are some additional quotes (plus I’m repeating some of my favorites from yesterday):

Katie the Keen Kingmaker: ‘Kate understands that the only credo of the Royal Family is duty, duty, duty. Whereas with the Sussexes it is constant uncertainty, [the Cambridges] represent stability and continuity.’

Kate was wheeled out post-Sussexit: ‘Kate knows what the country needs and wants. Championing how to raise your children is perfect.’ Yet, privately, said another friend, ‘Kate is furious about the larger workload. Of course she’s smiling and dressing appropriately but she doesn’t want this. She feels exhausted and trapped. She’s working as hard as a top CEO, who has to be wheeled out all the time, without the benefits of boundaries and plenty of holidays.’

Carole Middleton holds the Cambridge marriage together: In crisis, friends say, Kate retreats to the protective embrace of her family. Her commendable backbone comes from her mother. ‘They are a very close family and totally united,’ says a friend of the Middletons. It helps that in William’s eyes Carole and Michael Middleton can do no wrong. ‘He absolutely adores them. Michael is charming. Really kind, soft and gentle. William loves going to the country to stay with them. Their family life is so soothing for him as it’s so different from his own family.’ Another country grandee says: ‘I’ve heard that Prince William is obsessed with Carole. She’s the mummy he always wanted.’

Carole arranged Anmer Hall to her standards: A skilled craftsman who worked on Anmer Hall, William and Kate’s country home, and is used to a roster of prestigious and potentially tricky customers, said that he found Carole ‘the most difficult client’ he had ever worked with: ‘She was exceedingly demanding, fussy and questioned everything.’ Carole has put her stamp on Anmer decor-wise. Far from being a typical aristo abode, with threadbare rugs and dog hair everywhere, like, say, Windsor and Balmoral, it is, according to a visitor, ‘like a gleaming five-star hotel, with cushions plumped and candles lit’. Another adds: ‘It’s very Buckinghamshire.’

But what about Pippa? ‘Pippa now speaks like the Queen, too, and is absolutely paranoid about the paparazzi,’ says one of her circle. ‘She refers to her sister as Catherine or “the duchess” in public, which feels too regal and try-hard. Pippa is a bit lost now and is struggling to find her place. She’s always in the shadow as someone’s sister or someone’s wife. But they are all utterly loyal to each other. The Middleton family will always close ranks. None of them can quite believe that they have hit the jackpot, so between Kate, Pippa and Carole there is an unspoken bond. A sort of “We have to bring it to fruition at all costs”.’

Kate & Meghan: ‘I don’t think that she ever pulled Meghan under her wing and said, “I’ll show you the ropes,”’ says a friend. ‘Catherine and William were very circumspect from the beginning about Meghan, which hurt and incensed Harry. William rightly cautioned Harry to slow the relationship down. That’s why they all fell out. As the rift got deeper between the brothers, Kate, who used to be so close to Harry, tried to pacify things. But her loyalty will always be to William.’

A curious mention of Rose Hanbury: Then there’s her ‘Turnip Toff’ crowd, the Norfolk Sloanes, including Sophie Carter and Robert Snuggs, who live near Anmer Hall. And the Cambridges’ glamorous Houghton Hall neighbours, Rose Hanbury and her husband, the Marquess of Cholmondeley – with whom there was an alleged falling-out last year, over Rose’s apparent closeness to William. The whole of Norfolk was agog and the story spilled over into the newspapers. No party has commented publicly on the matter.

A Royal Family “under siege” post-Sussexit. ‘William is absolutely incandescent about Megxit,’ a courtier confides. ‘Every time the Sussexes issue a statement, it hits everyone like a fresh bombshell. The Cambridges are left reeling like everyone else. Everyone is terribly worried about how this is affecting the Queen.’

[From Tatler]

I actually have to thank Tatler for giving us this beautiful gossip gift during a pandemic. It really is a lot of fun. I still believe that this piece started out as yet another vapid Embiggening Kate project, but something happened along the way – some shade was thrown, some truths were told, and some shots were fired. I doubt that Kate is pleased with the mention of Rose Hanbury, nor will she be pleased with these “sources” making it sound like mummy Carole still runs every part of her life and marriage. Interestingly enough, “a Kensington Palace source” ran to the Daily Mail over this Tatler piece and the source apparently “dismissed the claims” and said they are “false.” Which parts? The parts that make Kate seem like a posh, bland robot slowly gaining sentience or the parts that make her seem like a lazy out-of-touch a–hole? These people are awful.

Photos courtesy of WENN, Avalon Red and Backgrid.