As I wrote in the open today, the MTV VMAs have stayed relevant even in years when the show is sh-tty because it can be a showcase for the future, for who we will be obsessed with in the near future, the artists who’ll be the culture in the future.

Lizzo, as we’ve seen, has had that kind of year…

Zara Phillips-Tindall was something of a “wild child” in her teenage years and even into her early 20s. It was mostly fine with people because she doesn’t have a title and because Princess Anne didn’t seem to have much of a problem with her daughter’s “wild” streak. At some point, Zara got a tongue stud, although she doesn’t still have it. Well, now that Zara is all grown up and a mom of two daughters, how would she feel if Mia or Lena Tindall grew up to be “wild” too? Turns out, Zara wouldn’t be happy about it at all.

Zara Tindall has shared that she would be “horrified” if one of her daughters got a tattoo, even though she was dubbed a “wild child” for having her tongue pierced as a teen. The royal mum-of-two, 38, said it would be hard to complain if they did rebel once they grew up. Zara hit headlines after she was pictured with the tongue accessory, after paying £35 to get it done when she was at Gordonstoun boarding school in Scotland. However, she admits she draws the line at tattoos.

She told next month’s Saga Magazine: “[Mike] absolutely hasn’t got a tattoo. I’d also rather one of my daughters came home with a piercing than a tattoo because at least a stud can be removed. I wouldn’t have a leg to stand on if they did though.”

While life is certainly not a struggle when your grandmother is the Queen, Zara and Mike have a relatively down-to-earth life on her mother Princess Anne’s Gatcombe Park estate in Gloucester., according to a royal source. When they do enjoy a Saturday date night out in their local pubs, their two kids, Mia Grace, five, and Lena Elizabeth, one, are watched over by Princess Anne, 69.

[From The Sun]

I get the feeling that Mike Tindall has very specific ideas about how they’re raising their daughters and Zara isn’t going to fight him on it. Like, Mike has said that their girls won’t be sent off to boarding school, which is the “royal tradition.” I bet Mike is also the one saying “no tattoos, no piercings, no wild child drama.” And Zara is sitting there quietly like “hey, it’s in their blood, at least one of them will probably end up a wild child.” I could have sworn that Zara had some tattoos too, but I guess not? Maybe that’s the big no-no for all royals and royal-adjacents. No tattoos! Which is sad – Zara is an Olympian and I love when Olympians get Olympic rings tattoos.

Photos courtesy of WENN and Celebrity Cup at Celtic Manor Resort/WENN.com.

We interrupt MTV VMAs coverage because… Timothee Chalamet has an accent.

I wrote about Timothee Chalamet’s bowl cut when the poster for The King was released last week and just the sight of him, with his jawline, and the frustration on his face, was enough to distract me for a whole morning. Now…

The Venice Film Festival will begin in a matter of hours. As we discussed already (although no one read that post!!), Venice is going to be a garbage dump of toxic masculinity, with Roman Polanski and Nate Parker screening their new movies there, plus the festival is barely doing anything for female filmmakers or female-driven movies. So… it feels right that Brad Pitt would be one of the first stars to arrive in Venice. He touched down several hours ago and he was being escorted through the canals on a boat named Confusion. Sometimes, things are perfect. (And no, that’s not Jennifer Aniston beside him in the boat. I think that’s his producing partner Dede Gardner.)

Brad is in Venice to promote and premiere Ad Astra, the bizarre-looking space drama where he plays an astronaut and there’s, like, a galactic plot involving his long-lost father, played by Tommy Lee Jones. And Liv Tyler is Brad’s wife. Something like that. I still don’t know if this is supposed to be a “space thriller” or some kind of contemplative meditation on space and time and father-son drama. Cat’s in the cradle and your dad is ruining the solar system.

Director James Grey was asked about casting Brad in the lead role, and this is what he said:

“I thought about a very retro, almost 1960s idea of the all-American astronaut. The idea was to break down the myth of what it means to be traditionally masculine, macho. And the only way you can really break down the myth is to start with the myth. There’s this whole mythology that comes along with [Pitt], and that’s what you can play with.

[From THR]

I understand that and everything but… how many films are about “breaking down the myth of the traditionally masculine”? And why are those films still being made?

Photos courtesy of Backgrid.

Ten years ago, at the 2009 MTV VMAs, Taylor Swift was interrupted by Kanye West in a moment that kicked off one of the most significant chapters in celebrity gossip history – and it’s a chapter that may not have reached its conclusion. A decade later, during her first main show broadcast win for “Yo…

Kim Kardashian covers the latest issue of Vogue Arabia. The photoshoot is not great, and the interview was conducted by… Kanye West. So, there you go. Celebrities are just going out of their way these days to avoid being profiled by real celebrity-journalists. They’d rather write their own cover stories or just ask a famous friend or spouse to do it. I wasn’t particularly expecting Vogue Arabia to come at Kim with the hard questions, but this just feels very… dumb. Some highlights from the cover story:

On her “reading the law” studies: “There is a misconception that I don’t actually have to study and that I’ve bought my way into getting a law degree – that’s absolutely not true… Being underestimated and over-delivering is my vibe.”

Her life lessons: “I try to be a good person and to take my mistakes and make them into a better experience — to learn and grow from them and move on.”

On her first proper date with West: “I was like, ‘Damn, why did I waste so much time and energy? Why didn’t I do this sooner?’”

On the idea that she’s a role model: “I never felt the responsibility of being a role model until I had kids.”

On living her life in public: “Even in my darkest of times I don’t regret putting myself out there for the world to see. People have shared with me over the years how much it has helped them to feel less alone when dealing with their own adversity. I love having a voice and I appreciate the platform that I have been given, even though I do wish I could have more privacy at times.”

On fame & money: “Money was always the goal but I was obsessed with fame, like, embarrassingly obsessed… I do agree that fame can be addictive.”

Kanye asked her to pick her favorite sister. “It changes, just like friends or relationships go in and out. I think this year has been a really strong Kim and Khloé year. I’m obviously so close with Kendall and Kylie too but I’ve spent so much more time on this earth with Kourtney and Khloé – 16 and 17 years longer with them. We have more history, have been through so much together, and we have more friends in common. Kourtney and I will always be really close, but this year, Khloé and I really bonded.”

[From Vogue Arabia]

Khloe is, like, really close to all of the sisters. I sometimes think that Khloe (and not Kris) is the glue holding them together. Khloe has a special bond with Kim, with Kourtney, with Kendall and Kylie… and especially Rob. I also get the feeling that everybody kind of hates Kourtney these days.

As for the rest of it… I will be pleased if Kim actually does follow through with everything and end up passing the bar. I’ve never been on Team This Trick Is Lying About Law School. I think she studies. I think she cares about the law and she wants to do this so she won’t feel like a fraud when she’s talking to people about criminal justice reform. I realize I’m in the minority on that one, but whatever.

Covers courtesy of Vogue Arabia.

Page Six is part of the New York Post, which is part of the Murdoch empire, so I always regard Page Six’s agenda with a healthy amount of skepticism. That being said, I f–king love it when they do bitchy, in-depth stories about certain celebrities. They recently did a longer piece on Taylor Swift and her history of misrepresentation. And now they’re coming for Lori Loughlin’s scamming ass. Lori and her husband Mossimo are due in court in Boston this week for something to do with all of the felony charges they’re facing with the Operation Varsity Blues scandal. Which is why they’re on the current issue of People Magazine, and it’s why we’ve been getting all of these updates about how Poor Lori is doing. Don’t you know she’s been living in her own PRISON. Don’t you know how faith-based she is. Some highlights from this Page Six piece:

Lori & Mossimo are locked down in their $35 million mansion in Bel Air: “Lori and Mossimo are being contemplative and spiritual right now. Lori goes out a little bit, but the paparazzi follow her everywhere. She’s like a hunted animal.” They have been lying low. Loughlin has curtailed her usual yoga classes and Body by Simone workouts.

They go to church every Sunday: The one place she still shows up every week: The Church of the Good Shepherd, a Catholic house of worship in Beverly Hills. “They feel a lot of support there,” said another pal.

Their neighbors don’t want to hang out: “A lot of these people are ­socially prominent, give to charities, have done the right things wealthy people are supposed to do in this town. They’re scared they might get ostracized by association,” said a Bel Air insider of the couple’s friends and neighbors. “They’re calling less, inviting less. Hanging back — for now. If [Giannulli and Loughlin] are not convicted, everything will go back to the way it was. But if they are, well, they might want to move. It’s sort of Bel Air ‘Bonfire of the Vanities.’?”

Their daughters’ classmates & fellow parents don’t want them around: A Loughlin source added: “The [friends and neighbors] with kids in college or kids who’ll be applying to colleges next year, they’re afraid an association with Lori and Mossimo — even with Olivia and Bella — might make them appear ‘entitled.’ Which is something you don’t want to seem, even in Bel Air, at least, for this moment.”

Their marriage is strong though: Although there have been reports that Loughlin and her husband of 22 years are being pulled apart by the scandal, the family friend denies this. “Mossimo and Lori are still very much in love,” she said. “It’s been trying for all of them, but they understand this is life and they got taken advantage of.”

They plan to blame everything on Rick Singer: According to insiders who spoke to The Post, the couple put the onus on scandal mastermind Singer and are planning a legal strategy claiming they had no idea their contributions were “bribes” to get their daughters accepted. “They thought Rick Singer was legit, that they were helping people by giving him a charitable contribution,” said the family friend of Singer’s KWF Foundation, through which the money was allegedly laundered and which claimed to benefit underserved children. “He was lying, not them.”

Olivia Jade’s plans for the future: “[Her dad is] encouraging her to do a beauty line — makeup, hair, skin care. She wants to use her new broader fame to her advantage,” said a neighbor. As for Isabella, the neighbor said she “wants to be an actress. She’s hoping the USC business won’t affect her in Hollywood. In fact, it could actually help with both of their careers. They are nationally famous now, much more than they were. They just need good advice.”

[From Page Six]

There’s also this hilarious quote from a TV casting agent: “No matter what happens, I don’t see Lori getting new gigs. If Felicity Huffman could plead guilty and apologize, why can’t Lori? She can play the victim here — but nobody’s a good enough actress to make us believe that.” I would say that Lori specifically is not a good enough actress to make us believe that she’s totally innocent. As for the rest of it… it hits all the sweet spots. They go to church every Sunday! Their fancy Bel Air friends are snubbing them! No one wants to look “entitled”… at the moment.

And honestly, I’m still laughing about the Rick Singer thing – Singer was truly working with the FBI. You could make the argument that he entrapped the parents, maybe, but that’s not even what Lori and Mossimo claim. They claim that they had no idea that he was going to scam their kids into college. It won’t hold up.

Photos courtesy of Avalon Red.

There are a handful of milquetoast royal stories percolating today, and I have no idea if any of them will turn into something. The Sussexes and Cambridges split up their foundation and everything is still being formalized. We still don’t know for sure whether the Sussexes are really going to call their new foundation something like “SussexRoyal.” But we do know that the Cambridges have officially removed the Sussexes from their foundation:

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s charity has removed Harry and Meghan from its title, marking a final step in the split between the two couples. Documents published by Companies House today show William and Kate’s foundation is now just called ‘The Royal Foundation of The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’.

It follows Harry and Meghan’s decision to move out of Kensington Palace, where William and Kate are based, and set up their own Sussex Royal foundation. The move sparked reports of a rift growing among the so-called ‘fab four’, first between the two Duchesses, then future king William and his younger brother Harry.

[From The Daily Mail]

I like how the Mail (and other outlets) continue to frame everything as “Harry and Meghan decided to walk away from Will and Kate,” which… is not the whole story. I do think the Sussexes decided to walk away, but they had good cause, as we can still see today. Will and Kate were constantly undermining the Sussexes. Now the Cambridges are still undermining the Sussexes, but at least they’re not sharing an office or a foundation anymore.

There was also this interesting little story…

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry wanted to move in with his grandparents and set up home in Windsor Castle, reports say. It’s claimed the Duke and Duchess of Sussex asked the Queen if living quarters in the historic castle could be made available for them after they were married but the answer was a firm ‘no’,so they went on to renovate Frogmore Cottage in the grounds of the estate. The five-bedroom cottage was given an extensive makeover recently, costing the taxpayer an estimated £2.4million.

Windsor Castle is the Queen’s official residence over Easter and June and she spends most of her weekends there as well. Hugo Vickers, a royal author and a deputy lord lieutenant of Berkshire, told The Times: “There are empty bedrooms and suites in the private apartments which the Sussexes may have had their eye on, or perhaps some former living quarters in the castle grounds converted into other things. But I can see how it might not be entirely appropriate to have a young family living there.”

[From The Sun]

My first thought was… why not? Why not move into one of the Windsor Castle apartments, if some of them are open and available? My guess is that the Queen thought it would seem too much like she was “giving” the Sussexes the whole castle or something. But Her Maj really screwed up with the Sussexes’ living arrangements anyway – she should have given them a property or apartment as soon as they were married. She should have given them their own Kensington Palace apartment, honestly. And I still don’t know why they can’t have one now.

There are also a handful of stories this week in the lower-tier British tabloids about how Harry doesn’t “want to be royal” anymore, and how he and Meghan are truly thinking about living part-time outside of the UK. These are part of the “coming and going” stories for the British tabloids – if Harry and Meghan stay in the UK, the press gets to continue to abuse them on a daily basis. If they complain about the abuse, the press will mock them. If the Sussexes leave the UK, however temporarily, all hell will break loose and the tabloids will not stop until they set fire to Frogmore Cottage.

Photos courtesy of WENN, Backgrid, Avalon Red.

Which demographic does the MTV VMAs appeal to? I watched the show with my cousins and their children, so we had an age range of like 7 years old to late 40s, with myself right in the middle. That meant that I heard the question “who’s that?” directed at both Missy Elliot AND Lizzo. Also, apparently,…

As we’ve discussed before, we used to have an site-subscription to the New York Times. CB cancelled that sh-t during one of the NYT’s “Nazis are just like us, they like cats and pasta!” trend pieces. Which is to say, I’ve never read one thing by NYT columnist Bret Stephens. I trust that he’s an a–hole. He’s apparently one of the “conservative voices” on the NYT’s op page. Just from a few minutes of online research, I see that he said some skeptical words about Trump once, and that he’s a climate-change-denier and that he hates Millennials. Add one more thing to your Random Knowledge memory banks: he’s the kind of person who obsessively searches his name on Twitter, freaks out when someone makes a silly joke at his expense, and then contacts the jokester’s employer to get the guy fired. For real. This was the joke that started everything:

The bedbugs are a metaphor. The bedbugs are Bret Stephens. https://t.co/k4qo6QzIBW

— davekarpf (@davekarpf) August 26, 2019

Which is funny! And it’s just a silly NYT joke, which is funny because the New York Times is a clown show already. But then this happened:

This afternoon, I tweeted a brief joke about a well-known NYT op-Ed columnist.

It got 9 likes and 0 retweets. I did not @ him. He does not follow me.

He just emailed me, cc’ing my university provost. He is deeply offended that I called him a metaphorical bedbug.

— davekarpf (@davekarpf) August 27, 2019

Dr. Karpf also tweeted a copy of the email!!

Alright fine… here is the email: pic.twitter.com/A4E5I6CoB6

— davekarpf (@davekarpf) August 27, 2019

So that’s why “Bret Stephens” has been trending on Twitter for much of the past 16 hours or so. Because Bret Stephens is a clown who doesn’t like bedbug jokes. Honestly, I’d love it if someone I joked about (on Twitter) tried to contact Celebitchy to complain. She would laugh her ass off.

People keep clowning on Bret Stephens. WHO IS NOT A BEDBUG, HOW DARE YOU.

pic.twitter.com/aVNitSHXfr

— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) August 27, 2019

pic.twitter.com/iZunWYsGVK

— Jon Green (@_Jon_Green) August 27, 2019

I am posting this everywhere today pic.twitter.com/75PIUGkMKa

— MishMei with brooding tushie (@MishMei) August 27, 2019

Photos courtesy of Meet the Press.